How to answer when someone asks “What are you?”

What are you?

If I had a dollar for every time I’ve been asked that question I would’ve paid off my student loans years ago.

The question “what are you?” is a heavy question for me.

At times it can be a triggering question.

The answer has gone through many phases of meaning in my life over the years.

Phase One

When I was 3 years old we moved from Chicago to Michigan in the 80’s into a newly constructed neighborhood. It was a unique and multicultural neighborhood where there was so much diversity all around us. Our neighbors were Thai, Black American, Italian American, Indian, Middle Eastern and more. All of us kids played with each other everyday after school and I was the ring leader gathering each of my friends up at 3pm every afternoon. With a eager ring and “Can so and so come out to play?” I summoned my after school gang on bikes in a way even Stranger Things would be envious of.

I remember playing tag, riding bikes, playing hopscotch, jumping rope, eating ice-cream from the ice-cream truck, and drinking water out of the hose on hot summer days. To me it was a wonderful place to grow up. I attribute growing up in such a diverse neighborhood to the healthy sense of self and belonging I was developing as a child. When I was in elementary school I didn’t mind that people asked me “what are you?” because it gave me an opportunity to tell them about my heritage. I am very proud of my heritage and I loved the reactions that people had when I told them where my parents were from. People’s eyes would go wide thinking it was so cool I had that mix.  It was unique, exotic and “never heard of” that these two ethnicities would meet, get married and start a family. People were curious and enthralled and I was happy to share. “What are you?” opened a door for me to share what I loved about my family with others. I also loved that it made me stand out and brought me positive attention from others. I say positive because I viewed it as positive no matter what others may have intended.

Phase Two

When I was in middle school in the late 80’s and early 90’s, I moved to a new state at 13 and it was really hard for me. I loved where I grew up in Michigan but the move took me away from everything that I knew and felt comfortable around. I was also very much into gymnastics and was on a traveling team. At that time the only gymnasts that looked like me were Dominique Dawes or Betty Okino. (By the way I trained at the gym Dominque Dawes went to and she was extremely kind to me.) With the move I was around almost zero diversity. I felt lost. This is also a hard time for a young person in general. It’s a time when you actually don’t want to stand out at all. You want to desperately fit in and not bring any attention to yourself. Being in these un diverse spaces I stood out even more.

The question “what are you?” began to take on a different meaning to me. It began to reinforce the pain and loneliness I was feeling. It began to feel like “why are you here?” “You don’t fit in!” “You make me uncomfortable because I can’t place you.” Even taking the scantron tests seemed to throw me into an existential crisis every time I had to fill it out until one day I crossed everything out and wrote HUMAN across the top of the sheet of paper. I got in trouble. Which makes no sense even to this day. There was nothing for me to choose! What was I supposed to do? Lie? Well I wasn’t going to do that. I was raised by immigrant parents for goodness sake! But  I was so exhausted and tired and sad from the whole ordeal that I didn’t care that it messed up my test. Screw the scoring system! Looking back I realized it’s a wonder I got the grades I did having to deal with all this stress my white or monolith ethnicity peers never had to deal with every time we had to take a test.

Phase Three

In college, it was the first time I was around diverse people since elementary school. I began to make friends from places like China, Malaysia, India, Indonesia, South America, The Philippines, and Africa. Although I still did not meet many people who were mixed, I was meeting people who understood what it was like to be between worlds. They had even carved out their own mini communities on campus. I once again began to be okay with the question “what are you?” because the question was coming from others who had felt like they were on the outside too just  looking for someone else to connect with. 

On campus, I was beginning to explore who I was beyond being the eldest daughter, a sister, or an athlete. I was exploring my love for learning, travel, science and arts. On campus is also where I met my now husband who is also of mixed heritage. He is Ethiopian and Black American. While writing this articleI asked my husband if he was thinking  “what is she?” when he first met me. He said “no, that wasn’t the first thing I was thinking. I wasn’t thinking that at all.”  For some reason his answer made my heart happy. Cheesy I know. But after almost 20 years of marriage I think this was the first time I asked him that question. His simple answer almost brought tears to my eyes. I thought about why I felt so emotional and realized it’s because in our marriage he had given me what I’ve been yearning for my whole life: for someone to look at me and see me. All of me. Not some puzzle they had to figure out for themselves to feel comfortable or connected or better than. But to somehow suspend their own selfish need to categorize me  for a moment and accept how I presented my identity to them. My Jamaican and Indian heritage is a big part of who I am, yes. My beautiful skin color is part of me. My curly hair and brown eyes are part of me. But there is so much more. I also love my family, I’m creative, I’m a go-getter, I love God, I’m a nerd, I’m a good friend and I make ridiculous jokes while watching TV and I love making my kids laugh.  Also, if you get to know me, I promise you’ll feel inspired to go after your dreams after spending time with me.

I’m not saying anything that you don’t know about yourself. You have so much that comes with being you. Your passions, your dreams, your hopes, your aspirations. I could go on and on about how beautifully complex and interesting it is to be a human being. Yes your mixed roots influence your perspectives, your beliefs and the way you move within this world, but that’s only part of what makes you - YOU.

The question “what are you?” is so hard to answer because it begs us to divide our identity up into a bite sized portion and deliver it in a little comfortable package to the person who is asking. I never hear white people say “I’m white” when they are asked about themselves.

As adults we:

1. know more words so we can articulate who we are better

2. We tend to identify ourselves around what we do.

As a child I could have said “Dude, I’m a really creative and happy kid who likes to eat Reese’s peanut butter cups and read YA mystery books. Oh and I can do back flips! Wanna see?”

But I been asked the question enough times to know what they are really asking.

• to categorize

• To connect

• To objectify

• To absolve their discomfort with not being able to do the previous three

At least that’s what it feels like.

I want you to imagine another feeling…

• What would it feel like to not be triggered by this question anymore? 

• What would it feel like to have the perfect answer in each situation? 

• What would it feel like to never dread this question and even welcome it because you knew exactly what to say?

Well let me suggest a few steps to help you get there.

Process

Go back in time and write down what this question has meant to you in the past. What was your journey with this question? Was it positive or negative or both? Were you like me and the meaning changed depending on where you were in life? Take some time to process your feelings when you were  asked this question before. Think about where you were in your life and how it could have influenced your thoughts and reactions.

Pause

Pause before you answer. Many times when we feel triggered our reactions are not our choices and it can be frustrating when your feelings run away from you. It can make you  feel like you’re not in control. So take this time to choose what the question will mean to you and how you will emotionally respond.

Give Yourself a Break

Don’t assume what people mean when they ask the question. I’ve come to realize that growing up between worlds as a child of immigrants caused me to become hyper vigilant in translating non-verbal communication on top of translating what they were saying from one culture to another. I think I developed a sixth sense of understanding what people were saying even when they weren’t saying it. That takes up a lot of mental energy! (funny enough in other areas I’m totally dense! lol!) Later in life I had to realize that it’s not really my job to assume to know what people mean all the time. When I started to take the burden off of myself, I began to feel more freedom. So when people ask me “what are you?” without clear context I just ask “what do you mean?” This allows them to clarify without you doing the mental gymnastics that can be so dang gone exhausting and even result in inaccurate assumptions. 

Identify yourself first

If you study global history there is a pattern with colonizers renaming people’s and lands. They ignore how the people self-identify and create a history based on what benefit their own interests. Look at ancient maps and the changes colonizers make to benefit their own desires. Look at redlining and redistricting that takes place in modern America. And we all know too well the forced assimilation of ethnicity into racial categories.

You must spend the time to identify yourself. You have the right to do so! Step back from the identities that have been placed on you and figure out how you want to be seen. This process may not be a quick one but it’s worth it! If you need to work with a therapist that specializes in this area PLEASE DO IT! If you need to have talks with dear friends and confidants, do it! If you need to take a retreat with your journal and God - do it! I really believe that as mixed people we don’t always get the privilege of discovering our identity without the simultaneous pressure of trying to communicate who we are at ages when we may not know. But the good thing is that most people aren’t even aware of the need to do self-reflect on their identity because they don’t have to deal with these questions. So you, my friend, are at an advantage!

Make it work for you

Do you remember when I mentioned how as a child I loved to answer the question because it gave me a chance to share my love for my heritage with others? Well as an adult you can use it for your advantage as well! Most people are just waiting for the chance to tell others about their businesses, projects, or plans but you have a built in opportunity when people ask what are you?

I really hope that by sharing my story it helped you in some way. Please leave a comment and let me know your thoughts. Guess what? I made a little gift with you in mind! It’s called the Mixed Manifesto and it’s a 3 minute audio you can play for yourself daily to help you through your healing process. Get it by clicking here.