How finding out I had Multiple Sclerosis helped me find myself again.

I had been dealing with pain and fatigue for years but all of it came to a head in the summer of 2015.

We had just moved into our new home and were all recovering from a VERY tough year. We had moved in with my mother-in-law to recover for one year while we saved up enough to put a down payment on a home. Finally, we found a house we fell in love with. It needed a bit of work and we were so happy to have our own place to call home.

One morning, I got up and looked out the window at the beautiful trees in our backyard like I did every morning. I thanked God for waking me up and went to the restroom like normal. But I started to get this strange feeling like I was going to pass out. I almost convinced myself that I was being overdramatic and nothing was happening. But I turned around and felt things going dark. So, I sat down on the bathroom floor and I could feel it coming...like when you watch the ocean and you see a huge wave coming towards you but you know you can’t move out of the way in time. I called for my husband as I fell backwards, ending up in the most unladylike position smashed between the toilet and the wall.

It was so weird that I remember a smudge of dirt on the wall on my way down. But only as a mother would do–I noted that it looked like poop and that was so gross and I was NOT cleaning that up because who ever...BAM! I hit the ground. I couldn’t move my arms and legs and the room just kept spinning and spinning. My husband had to pick me up and get me into the bedroom. I also remember thinking that I should have spent more time in the gym for moments like these so that my husband could easily pick me up like those princes in Disney movies. Perhaps my husband was thinking the same thing...I should ask him.

But right at this moment, we were trying to figure out why the room was spinning and why I couldn’t move. Maybe my blood sugar was low? I threw up the banana he gave me. I threw up the water too. After a few minutes I told him to call 911 cause the room was spinning like the teacup ride at Disney world and it wasn’t slowing down. I’ve been making a lot of Disney references, haven’t I?

After an incredibly nauseating and bumpy ambulance ride, several hours and medications later, I was diagnosed with Vertigo at the ER and was told to follow up with my doctor. I went to the doctor and mentioned the trip to the ER. I also mentioned that I was having a tad bit of trouble hearing as well–it just felt like I had cotton in my ears. My brother and sister had been urging me to follow up with some past abnormal MRI’s so I mentioned that to my doctor as well. I remember her eyes going wide–she looked like she was trying to not react in a way that would get me upset...but as we noted before with the brown smudge on the wall, I am pretty perceptive with the subtle.

She sent me right away to get more MRI’s done just to be safe. I followed up and had another MRI done that finally told me what was going on.

“It’s Demyelinating disease of which MS is the most common.”

I got that call while I was at work. I cried.

My boss was understanding. He listened and helped me carry my bags out, and told me to go home. Thankfully, I had taken the entire next week off for vacation. Within a few days, I noticed that the muscles on the left side of my face also really wanted a vacation.

I tried to ignore it.

I ignored my mother urging me to go the ER in case it was a stroke.

My “in-denial” muscle was running a strong game on me.

I pushed through a shoot for my web series praying that the left side of my face would be as fully expressive as my right. The next morning, I woke up and it was worsening. I told my husband that I didn’t think it was going away and he took care of finding me a neurologist that day. We went in and by then I was unsteady, worn out, and quite nervous. Would my face ever go back to normal? I needed my face to work right! I wanted to be an actress! I was not ready for what he was going to tell me next.

“I think you need to be admitted to the hospital for three days of steroid treatment. That is the protocol for MS relapses.”

And in that moment the epic line from “Different Strokes” entered my mind.

Whatchu talkin’ bout, Doctor?

Three days? I was NOT prepared for that. I didn’t even have my bag packed or the kids’ child care in place. I thought he would give me a prescription and send me on my way. But no–I was headed to the hospital immediately for an extended stay.

Three days turned into seven days. I had more MRI’s that showed I had an active lesion on the base of my brain stem,10 in my brain and a dozen more in my spine. Everything was confirming Multiple Sclerosis.

I remember laying in bed those seven days with very mixed emotions. On one hand, I was glad that we had finally figured out what was wrong. I was glad that I didn’t have to cook and had three meals brought to me every day. I was super excited to catch up on free movies without interruption from the kids.

I also knew that my life was going to be very different from now on. I wanted God to speak to me. I wanted Him to whisper to my heart what the heck I was supposed to do going forward.

While I was recovering, I couldn’t write, I couldn’t go on social media. Heck I could barely walk after I got home. If you’ve never been on heavy steroids and then taken off with no tapering, I’ll tell you exactly how it feels.

It feels like you’re stuck living in the five seconds between Bruce Banner and the Incredible Hulk...all the time.

I was forced into taking time off from everything. No more could I worry about trying to keep up with others, I was tired of it anyway. It hadn’t gotten me anywhere and I was starting to get really fed up with the game of “look at me!” everyone was playing on the internet. I was sick of trying to take cues of what I was supposed to do in life to find success by those around me. I had spent so much time letting the noise crowd out my inner voice.

We need to find God, and he cannot be found in noise and restlessness. God is the friend of silence. See how nature–trees, flowers, grass–grows in silence; see the stars, the moon and the sun, how they move in silence...We need silence to be able to touch souls.

–Mother Theresa

During my time off, some amazing things started to happen. After several weeks of having to focus on my recovery, I started to live more in the moment of every day. My gratitude level went back up to a 15. All that energy I spent on finding the “key to success” was untied and released. I actually had time to do the tiny things that made me happy like journal and pray. I was able to listen to that still small voice inside of me again!

That voice that told me what was most important to me to spend my time on. The things that seemed cloudy were starting to get clearer. I was confused about many things regarding my brand/blog/business and what I wanted to accomplish. When I took a break, I began to see that I had been influenced by the noise.

I started thinking that I had to do what other people were doing to achieve my goals. I had become blind to the fact that many of these people were achieving their success in ways that would never work for me, a woman who has a husband and children and now energy-limiting health issues. I had to find my own path.

I realized that my creative energy was being sucked dry as I spent my time worrying about what everyone else was doing instead of working on what was exciting and fulfilling to me to create.

I noticed that certain things that I thought I needed to do for my brand, business, or goals just fell to the wayside while new ideas started to pop up all the time. It was like my creative constipation was finally given some Mylanta and I was feeling regular again!

-Selection from my book “I Dare You Not to Compare Yourself with Others”