Why are you sitting with all these white kids? and other thoughts on finding your identity.
“Why are you sitting here with all of these white kids?” She asked as she flipped her long braids over her shoulder. Latoya had a reputation of being opinionated in our sixth grade class. I only knew this because I would see her sharing her perspective on topics during class breaks and at lunch...very loudly. I didn’t actually have any classes with her. I was new to the school and was taking all honors courses. I loved it. I was with kids who wanted to focus on their school work and liked learning. Sometimes we did our homework at lunch. We were nerds and proud of it.“So why are you sitting here?” She demanded.
I blinked.
I was confused.
I looked over at my friend Tasha…who was also black.
Didn’t she see Tasha? She and I played violin together in the school orchestra. But Latoya wasn’t looking at Tasha–she was looking at me. I was the offender. I looked around the table, stalling, in hopes of giving myself a moment to answer her. Maybe somewhere deep down I hoped that someone else at the table would say something and spare me from having to engage with Latoya. No one said anything.
I blinked again. (It’s amazing how long it seems between blinks when you are a twelve year old girl put on the spot.)
I looked around and noticed for the first time that everyone else was in fact white.
Oh! I guess I was sitting with a bunch of white kids. Except I never noticed it until that moment. I never thought I was different. I knew I wasn’t white but I never thought that me being who I was would make others so uncomfortable. I just kept thinking that I’m sitting there because they are my friends. We’re in class together.
Why wouldn’t I sit with them?
I honestly don’t even remember what I said in response to Latoya. I think I might have invited her to sit down with us. I remember her laughing and walking away. I remember the feeling of shock and embarrassment that I had unwittingly drawn attention to myself at my new school. I also remember feeling angry that someone else thought it was okay to comment on my life without my permission.
Tasha told me not to worry about what Latoya said, but I couldn’t help but take what she said to heart.
I went home that day in a daze. Why did Latoya seem so angry at me for sitting with my classmates even if they were white?
Didn’t she see Tasha? What was the big deal?
When I saw my mother that afternoon, I told her what happened as she was preparing dinner. Then I asked her one simple question.
“Mommy, what am I?”
At the time, my mother reminded me that I was Jamaican and East Indian and I accepted what she said because I just didn’t have the vocabulary to express that I knew what I was on an ethnic level but I didn’t know who I was well enough to not be phased with what Latoya had said.
I would spend the next several years of my life answering the question on a more deeper level. But it would take me years before I really understood what she was saying to me. As I would go to my mother with different life questions it seemed like she would give me the same answer “Dija, you have to know who you are in Christ.” It seemed to be the answer to everything we talked about:
Mom, why are the girls at school treating me like this?
Mom, what am supposed to do next in my career this isn’t working anymore?
Mom, it makes me so mad when he (my new husband) does (insert whatever here.)
Mom, how many cups of flour do I need to make the dumplings?
It didn’t matter what I asked–usually by the end of the conversation, she was telling me to “know who I was in Christ.” I could never figure out what this phrase meant or how to go about discovering who I was in Christ. I barely knew who I was let alone who I was when someone else was involved. (Excerpt from my book I Dare You Not to Compare Yourself to Others)
However, as I’ve grown I really and truly believe that knowing who you are is the biggest piece of arsenal that you can have when it comes to dealing with comparison. In fact, I think it’s one of the greatest things that will carry you through your entire life.
God knew us even before the molecules of our melanin formed over our bones. He knew us before the influences of parents, friends, and society touched our minds and our hearts. “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you; Before you were born I sanctified you; I ordained you a prophet to the nations.” –
Jeremiah 1:5 (NKJV)
I could just list out the scriptures in the bible that tell us who we are to God, but I want to give you the thing that I wanted for so many years. I wanted to understand how to take a big concept like “knowing who you are in Christ and bringing it down to something applicable in your own life.”
Knowing who you are in Christ first of all is a journey. It’s not something that happens in a split second. We are always growing and developing as humans –we are constantly being molded into the likeness of Jesus. Each experience we have in life is a chipping away at the things that don’t matter to reveal the beauty that is hidden in each and every one of us.
As we assess each life experience and process them into our very being, we are developing into someone better. We are discovering that person we were always meant to be. It’s fascinating to me that as human beings, we are always trying to learn more about our own selves.
For me, discovering who I am in Christ came through phases. You might go through these phases super fast or you might be a late bloomer like me. In either case, I truly believe that you are where you are supposed to be right now. The path that you are on is that path that He will use for your good.
Have you ever sat back and marveled at the heroes of the bible? How did they get to be who they are? How did these ordinary human beings come to do such extraordinary things? They went through a crises in their lives. Many times, those individuals who end up doing the most amazing things in the world go through the hardest experiences.
These experiences literally shape the fabric of who they are and reveal the essence of who they were created to be. There are countless stories in the Bible in which God allowed circumstances that took these individuals to the brink of their faith and back.
Abraham was told to leave everything he knew and go to another land that God would show him. He had to make the decision to trust and obey God when HE asked Abraham to sacrifice his son.
Esther had to risk her life by confronting the King and telling him her true identity.
After losing her husband (and her future), Ruth left her home and followed her mother in law so she could know God more.
Moses went back to Egypt to lead over a million people to freedom across both sea and desert.
When each of these individuals passed through the hardest challenges of their lives, it revealed who God created them to be.
Abraham wasn’t just Sarah’s husband–God called him to be the father of many nations.
Esther wasn’t just a girl who won the prize of being Queen–she was called to save her people from annihilation.
Ruth wasn’t just a widow–she was called to be part of the line of David who eventually gave birth to Jesus!
Moses wasn’t just an adopted little boy–He was called to deliver God’s people out of slavery.
Today I am in my early 40’s. I have three multi-cultural teenagers of my own and have been married for almost 20 years to an Ethiopian and black American mixed husband. We talk to our kids openly and often about culture, colorism and racism. I run a social impact entertainment company and I’m a professional actress and filmmaker. It took me many years and many hard challenges but I know who I am and I know what my calling is. I know that I want to create art that speaks to people’s souls and gives them the courage to walk in their God given purpose. I have the character now to walk forward even when I’m afraid and at the same time give God control over my life and my dreams.
Here are a few tips to help you on your identity journey:
Take the perspective that going through challenging life experiences will build your character and reveal your identity.
Going through challenges will increase your faith and inner strength to take on new challenges that will propel you towards your purpose.
Take time to reflect on your life experiences and learn from them. Journaling is a great way to do that. Here is my favorite journal.
Go to counseling with a license professional if you need it. Don’t be afraid of anyone or any stigma. Go get your mental freedom, my dear!
Download my mixed culture manifesto and speak positive words to yourself daily. You have the right to take the time to figure out who you are and embrace all parts of yourself.
Sometimes we need some encouragement on the journey. I’ve made something with you in mind my mixed culture friend! It’s called The Mixed Culture Manifesto! It’s a free three minute audio full of affirmations to keep you motivated as you embrace your whole identity and walk in your purpose!