Where Do I Belong?
Even though I have struggled searching for a place to belong, I have always belonged with God. He sees me fully, knows me fully and loves me fully.
Growing up I would struggle to find a place to belong. I was different in many ways. I was a tomboy, I was a competitive gymnast on a year around traveling team whereas my friends did regular seasonal sports like soccer, and basketball that left them time for a normal social life . I loved Latin, science and the arts. I moved between cliques at school easily but I never had a place to land and feel like I belonged.
Even the very embodiment of who I was caused me to feel out of place. I am mixed with a Jamaican mother and an Indian father. I am not only mixed but I’m the first generation to be born in America. Growing up in the 80’s and 90’s there was no “other” to choose when we had to check boxes. There was no mental health talk about being a child of immigrants, there were no mixed hair products there was just black and white. The pain of loneliness feels like a broken heart mixed with anxiety and hopelessness. It led me into depression, lack of self - love and extreme self - criticism. It stole my joy to the point of deep depression and it almost destroyed me.
And I’m not the only one to experience these feelings.
In an article on vox.com in a segment called vox first person entitled the loneliness of being mixed race in america 6 mixed culture people shared their experiences in America. In all of the stories the individuals shared their feelings of not belonging or not feeling fully one thing or another when it came to ethnicity. All six writers shared how it was hard to feel like they belonged.
“Well, you’re not Black and you’re not Mexican enough.” I feel really strongly connected to both, but at the same time, sometimes I feel like I belong to neither. - Thema Reed, 27
I still don’t quite know my place sometimes. I just know I feel at home in the Filipino community with my Filipino family. At the same time, I didn’t want to feel like that was denying my mom. Even though I don’t identify as a white person, I was raised by a white mom who has a beautiful history and life too. So I don’t like to discount that. - Kristina
What would it look like if we could be accepted as who we are fully? What if we had the space and the words to describe our identity without the feeling of making someone else uncomfortable because we don’t fit in their preconceived box of race and ethnicity? What if we could embrace and celebrate our WHOLE SELF without apology? What would that mean?
More joy
Self- love
Better overall health
Confidence
Better relationships
Feeling empowered
Freedom from mental clutter
The ability to go after your dreams with less self doubt and fear
Less anxiety
Radiance
The list could go on. It took me a long time to get where I am now. I am at a place where I experience these things on a daily basis. Sure I have moments where I am triggered like every one else but I no longer am held captive by those past experiences. It’s taken years of therapy, self work, and deepening my faith like crazy. But I wanted to share with you a few tips I’ve learned along my journey that might help you, my dear.
You Belong to God
For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them. - Ephesians 2:10
Remember that you belong to a Creator who created you without checking boxes. Without a census. Without white supremacy and all of its evil. There was only the thought of you as a unique being. He created you in love and joy with a purpose. Humanity is the only creation noted that God crafted with His own hands! You are handcrafted, dah-ling! Only the best! Down to your DNA and your phenotype and your personality and all of your beautiful quirks that make you YOU! So work to expand your mind past these categories that man has created. You already know that there is no category for you so embrace that truth. In reality there is no category for all of God’s children.
See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland. - Isaiah 43:19
God Sees All.Of.You.
But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. - Romans 5:8
God sees all of you. We cannot hide anything from Him. And with all of that - He loves us and sent His son to die for our sins. I don’t know about you but I’m far from perfect. I struggle with all kinds of thoughts and reactions that I know miss the mark often. But still HE LOVES US. That is true love. To see all of us. The good and the ugly and to still show so much love and forgiveness towards us. To still redeem us. To still hear our prayers and perform miracles and show us mercy and grace. Yes believe that He sees all of you and loves you. (While we were yet sinners)
Learn to Love Yourself
And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. - Romans 8:28
Transfer that love to yourself, my dear…even if you need some professional help to do so. A friend of mine who is a therapist defined self-love as being able to see all sides of your story and love all of it. Know that it all makes you who you are today. The lessons you’ve learned, the tears you’ve cried, the friendships you’ve made and maybe lost. The pain and the joy. The mistakes and the triumphs. They are part of your journey and will lead you to your purpose. So trust the process with an attitude that this will all be for my good.
Get rid of toxic relationships and set boundaries.
It’s already a lonely road at times and people are already freaking out if someone doesn’t fit in a box in their mind. You don’t need those people in your life, my dear. You need space to figure out who you really are without the “majority culture gaze” as I like to call it.
Mixed culture people don’t get the same opportunities as monoculture or mono ethnic people to really explore who they are at their core. Yes - at that core is your culture and ethnicity. But there is also so much more. We need the chance to define our own identities.
So take the space you need to find yourself!
Listen, the truth is that some people will not like it. Some people will get mad. Some people will treat you even more differently. That’s okay. Keep your eyes on the prize. The prize is everything I mentioned above. The prize is walking in freedom in who you are. It’s a process and it’s journey. But you’re a warrior and it’s time to take up your stance and fight for your freedom. Yes - I’m going deep because that’s what it takes sometimes to fight for your freedom to thrive.
Know who you are in Christ.
I’m going to harp on this point a lot in my work but it’s true. My Jamaican mother would say this to me and it frustrated me. I didn’t want some generic answer I wanted her to tell me the specific things about my life, my purpose, my calling and what I was destined to do in life. Now that I’m older, I realize that level of specificity is something we crave when we are young. It’s totally normal to want to ask those questions. But they are really LIFE LONG QUESTIONS. My mom didn’t have the capacity for that conversation because she couldn’t know what I was going through and I was too young to articulate it.
Over the years I came to realize what she meant. When you accept Christ you are accepted in the Kingdom Family. Now you no longer have that identity of sin but of salvation! Reading God’s word and knowing who He says you are is a FOUNDATION to build your identity. I used to think our identity was something that was set when we are born but it’s not. It’s something that develops over time as we develop our gifts, talents, skills, choices, views, etc. I’ve learned to build my identity on the truth of who God says I am NOT what others or my trauma says I am.
Lean on the spirit for understanding.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths. - Proverbs 3:5-6
With all the above advice about my own journey I continued to remember that I am human. I did not breathe life into humanity. I didn’t create the cycle of life. I didn’t create myself. I need to always be led by God through every step. Journaling helped me to reflect on what I was learning and experiencing throughout my growth. I’ve been journaling consistently for almost 30 years and I plan on continuing until my last breath.
Journaling can reveal areas where you are struggling or even areas you have overcome. Sometimes our forward motion is so incremental it can feel like you’re not making progress. (I’m currently on a health journey and whew! It feels like moving forward at a snail’s pace! lol!) Ask God to ultimately show you who you are. Ask Him for the answers to those big questions. Stop asking (even subconsciously) people who didn’t’ create you to tell you who you are.
Stop looking around for an example you can follow and follow Christ. For us mixed culture people we may not find someone who embodies what we envision for our selves 100%. That’s okay. Your’e a trailblazer in so many ways. Trailblazers are always the first of their kind. Receive it in love and trust that even if you don’t see it today - it will come to pass. (he who started a good work in you)
And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ. - Philippians 1:6
*I just want reiterate that you look at God’s word and not listen to what is out there. There are a lot of false teachings that to have a godly identity you have to follow certain political trends or behaviors. Remember - God made you unique with a unique purpose and path in life.
Okay I hope that this encouraged you in some small way. Guess what? I made something special with you in mind my mixed cultured friend. It’s a free audio called the Mixed Culture Manifesto you can play for yourself every day to start your day empowered. Enjoy!